First Published January 11th 2011 by Constance
Even now after years of living with a bidet, I still have not mastered (mistressed?) the porcelain beauty that sits in every bathroom we have lived.
I know the concept and no, you will not read an explanation or see diagrams for use here on this page….sigh of relief. Before my great escape to Portugal, I even asked a well traveled friend for bidet instructions knowing I would be close and personal with this extra fixture in my new life. She was laughing so much she wasn’t much help. By my age, frankly, I am embarrassed by not knowing about something most of the western world just takes for granted.
Needing more information, I went to Wicki, my antidote for ignorance. I now know France is responsible and which way I am supposed to face. Bidet is the French word for pony…get it, you ride it like a pony. Anything you want to know about bidets, here is the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet
In my small cidade, even the most modest of homes has a bidet, usually tucked into the corner between the sink and the toilet. For my large Americana hips, just getting the right parts in the right place is a challenge. Then, there should be a small towel hanging helpfully on a special little hanger by it. Sorry, I cannot touch the little towel, just like I cannot touch the machines in public bathrooms when the rotating towel has stopped. I don’t know where it’s been, or in the bidet towel’s case, I do know where it’s been. Right there is a big ick factor, even if it’s my own private bidet…still I can’t flush a towel and well, shit!
Don’t jump to any conclusions here that I have some sort of weird bathroom phobia, I don’t. Spending lots of time taking care of “business”, in all senses of the word. I have peed in China where a hole is a W.C. and if the holes have a raised place for your feet, it is a very good hole indeed. McDonalds had lovely holes. China is strictly B.Y.O.T.P.; bring your own toilet paper. The hotels I was lucky enough to stay in were western so they had the all the fixtures of home (including the occasional bidet) so my China W.C. experiences were when I was working or out and about. But still, a hole is a hole.
The citizen and I have discussed my thoughts on the bidet and the towel and he feels that using a bath towel is the same thing as a bidet towel. Yes, that is a sensible argument, but this has nothing to do with common sense, I believe I am bidetaphobe.
Not to say our bidet does not get used, it does! I find it very handy for washing the bottom of my shoes when I step in something that needs to be cleaned off. Great for putting the sandy beach shoes in for a wash as we don’t have an outside hose. It has hot and cold water and a drain. Or, when I wash my floor that is where the dirty water goes, not the kitchen sink or the tub…the bidet! Also, I put the cleaning supplies in it when I clean the bathroom, very handy to have them all there in one location.
As my big Americana hips shrink due to a healthy diet, perhaps I will be riding that pony at some point. As for now, my bidet is not doing what it was born to do, but perhaps it’s happy with its new chores.
I just thought of a new use, a place to re-pot and water the plants! I believe I am beginning to love my bidet.